Okay. So you're getting
a handle around the first skill of emotional appreciation. You're
getting a sense of the relaxed peace of not fighting with your feelings.
You see that trying to avoid bad ones and have only good ones might
be a losing game. You're gaining a willingness to allow your emotional
body to process all the feelings that have been forced into the
Shadow Side of the Self.
Now you're ready (perhaps) for one of the most incredible
emotional understandings you can have in this lifetime. This stuff
is the neutronium bomb of emotional skills. It will give you insight
into the very nature of your identity and ego. It can allow you
to shift internally in the way you deal with your entire life.
While this material is best received in a four hour
live seminar, we'll have to work within the limitations of the web
media to communicate it, so sit back, relax, and enjoy the journey
as you follow along…
Consider the story of Anne B.
"I managed a big project at work that was very difficult
and challenging. I knew if I could get this project done it would
be well worth all the long hours and stress. Finally we got it done.
It worked out great. I was the toast of the company! Taken out to
dinner by the CEO, given a raise and promotion, I had accomplished
just about everything you could want at work. I was the hero, I
was The One, I had made it and was being honestly acknowledged
by co-workers for my contribution. I felt great…for about a day.
Then, for the next week, I actually felt awful. I had accomplished
the deed, I had achieved a sincere measure of fame in my company,
but I felt empty and flat. What was next? And why wasn't I just
jumping for joy? Why do I feel so flat and empty inside? Why, with
all this acknowledgment, isn't it enough?"
Why is it that happiness achieved
soon becomes happiness lost?
Happiness is a rather interesting
human feeling. It is essentially what we are all after. We are drawn
to it, we want it, it is a driving force in our lives.
We buy things to try to get it,
we work on relationships to try to keep it,
we make food choices for it;
we do drugs or drink liquor to feel it
We all know that if we could just get happy and
stay happy then everything would be okay!
However, as we ALL soon find out, happiness is much
more elusive than that. We "get happy" when we get something
we've wanted. Maybe it’s a new car or a new relationship or promotion
or whatever. It feels great! For a day, or a week, or a little while.
Then we notice it begins to slip away. We begin again to have those
vague background feelings of dissatisfaction and emptiness.
Within a few hours or days or
weeks of getting happy about something,
we end up feeling once again like
something's missing from our lives.
The new job or the new relationship or the new house
was good, BUT… So once again we look around to see what would make
us happy, we work to get those things, and finally, after a short
or long while, we "get happy" again, only to be disappointed
after a few days or weeks as happiness once again slips away.
Time and again we discover that the things we buy
to get happy don’t last. The new car, the bigger house, the increasing
number of vacations - no matter what we spend, it doesn’t last.
A new car is great for a few days or so. But then, that vague feeling
of something’s just not right begins to creep back into our
lives. We look around for the solution, and sure enough, we find
something else. What would really make us happy is a bigger new
house. Of course, that’s what we really need to be happy!
So we work and struggle to make enough money to get the new home,
and voila, we move in and feel great! Wow, this bigger new house
is marvelous. Filled with a sense of pride and accomplishment and
expansiveness, we are happy!
For a while. After a few days or weeks that sense
of something’s just not right here begins to return. After
all, the payment on this big new home is rather large… So we look
around for a solution to our unhappiness and there it is, staring
us right in the face, of course! It’s obvious that what we now really
need to stay happy is a new job with more money! So off we go
once again to run the rounds of the desire/dissatisfaction cycle.
We struggle and hope and fear and rearrange our lives to get the
new job or the promotion and finally we arrive, we get the new job.
The new job is great, the pay is great, and yes,
we’re happy! But soon the responsibilities and the stress
are actually giving us ulcers. The pride and pleasure we felt in
our new job soon seems like a fading memory. We have a big house,
we have more money, but damn it, we can't seem to just relax and
enjoy. So we look around and slowly, to our dawning dismay, we realize
that the problem really seems to be our spouse. He or she used to
be perfect, but now they seem more focused on themselves than on
us, the spark is mostly gone. Maybe we need an affair, or even a
divorce… Now what we really need to be happy is a more passionate
lover!
Are you beginning to see yourself
in this cycle?
All human beings are caught up in it, this cycle
repeats endlessly throughout much of our lives… Why is it that whatever
we acquire to be happy is never enough?
We think what we need to be happy is a relationship.
We get one, we’re very happy for a while, the sex is great, the
sense of connection and intimacy is mind-blowing, we’re way beyond
happiness, we’re talking near-nirvana here! But after the first
few months, our sacred relationship begins to become rather normal
and ordinary. We get irritated by the way the toothpaste gets left
or with the up or down position of the toilet seat.
We begin at times not to feel connected even
when we’re in the same room. The sex
goes from daily towards weekly. That darn vague feeling of something’s
just not right here creeps back into our lives more and more
each day. Damn, we thought we’d nailed it this time, with THIS relationship.
But here it is again.
Maybe what we really need is kids and a family,
that is what would really make us happy. Or we decide what
we really need is another partner, so we end this relationship that
didn’t make us happy hoping for the next one to really do it for
us. Says Joe L:
"Okay, Jan, my wife of ten years, is really
great. She's cute, she'll do anything for me, she loves me. But
I have this persistent feeling that she's just not The One. There's
this woman I met at work who really turns me on. She's only 25 years
old and has a great body and our sex is mindblowing. I'm actually
thinking of leaving my wife for this young bombshell. I keep thinking
about her and how great she is in the sack and how much she turns
me on.
But the thing is, once the sex is done, we don't
have much to talk about. I'm 45 years old and I can tell her maturity
isn't the same. She doesn't have the depth to her thinking you get
as you get older and I feel a bit fake keeping our conversations
going in things she thinks is interesting but hold no appeal for
me. So here I am thinking of leaving my marriage for this hot woman,
feeling like a teenager in love, and yet the part of me that isn't
a teenager seems to already know somehow it won't work out…
You know, I've slept with over 100 women in my life, and I seem
to get bored with them all, a part of me is just always looking
for the Right One, the one who'll keep me happy all the time…"
The desire/dissatisfaction cycle has us full
in its grip for most of our lives.
We don’t feel happy, we figure that fulfilling some
desire will make us happy, we fulfill the desire, get happy, lose
it, then chase after something else. Recognize yourself caught in
this cycle?
Recognize the human race caught
in this cycle?
Sure, our lives aren’t that bad. Sure, we’re "happy"
most of the time. Well,
not joyously happy
okay, not exuberant, by any means,
but we’re mostly kinda happy.
It’s just that oftentimes we have these vague feelings
of dis-ease, of something’s missing, something’s just not right
here. Everything’s okay, but… My life is fine, and
yet… Nebulous notions of emptiness and dissatisfaction or
boredom lurk in the background of much of our days or weeks. Sometimes
more poignant feelings of angst or anxiety or even flat out panic
attacks pop up from time to time. After a while we learn to settle
- if we can just maintain an even keel emotionally we figure we’re
doing fine.
Take a moment and do this Exercise right there in
your head:
Something that makes me happy is ___________________________________________
When I get this, my happiness generally lasts about this long ______________________
Something else that makes me happy is _______________________________________
When I get this, my happiness generally lasts about this long ______________________
Something else that makes me happy is _______________________________________
When I get this, my happiness generally lasts about this long ______________________
Something else that makes me happy is________________________________________
When I get this, my happiness generally lasts about this long ______________________
This isn’t good or bad. Happiness comes and goes
for all of us. It is just useful to begin to understand the pleasure-seeking
mechanism within us and its shortcomings.
Sure, we’re all adults, and yes, we’re all generally okay. We’ve
got life figured out and everything mostly goes all right for us,
AND YET we often feel that something’s missing. What’s missing
is happiness. What’s missing is emotional well being. What’s missing
is that emotional zest and vitality. What missing is a deeper sense
of contentment and fulfillment.
Relates Tim C:
"10 years ago I was flat broke, living in
various friends extra bedrooms. I knew that what I really needed
to be happy was to handle the money thing. That if I could just
make enough money, my life would be great. I got into real estate
and started making some money. Then I got into putting together
REIT's (real estate investment trusts) and began making A LOT OF
MONEY. Two years ago my net worth exceeded 2 million dollars.
Now, I'm a bit embarrassed to admit it but I gotta tell you
that while the money has certainly made me feel more secure and
happy, much of the time I feel miserable! Even with a net worth
of a couple million bucks I feel nervous, and I worry about the
stock market and the value of real estate and my investments and
I'M JUST PLAIN WORRIED much of the time. I should be able to just
relax and breathe deep and be pleased, but I'm not sure I'm that
much happier in general than ten years ago when I was broke. I feel
like I'm on some racetrack running desperately to get somewhere,
but the race is endless…"
Our very sense of self
often seems underpinned by feelings of emptiness
or anxiety or unrest that we can
never quite seem to get rid of.
Yes, even a million dollars or two million dollars
won't keep us happy. Consider the Don Trump syndrome. You struggle
and strive to make your first million and finally you're there -
you get that first million. It feels great, you're deliriously happy
- for a while. Then at some point you notice you can't even buy
a great house on the beach for under two million so you decide what
you really need to be happy is ten mil. So you charge off into the
struggle again to try to get what will really make you happy - ten
million bucks. If you make it, its great, but then, after a while,
you start noticing something seems to be missing. To keep a nice
second house on the beach and a personal jet and to be able to really
relax about a hundred million ought to do it. So off you go in the
search for more money.
- Why is it that happiness achieved soon disappears?
- Why is it that at one million bucks or ten million
bucks people can't just stop and let it be enough?
- Why is it that whatever we accomplish in life
doesn't keep us filled with joy?
We can be the toast of our company, as Anne B was,
we can own the company, as Tim C could, but it won't seem to last.
Or we can go for the ultimate, FAME and fortune. But we only have
to look at the ruined lives of many rock or movie stars, the drug
abuse, alcoholism, suicides, to see that even all the fame and glory,
the adulation of millions, can't guarantee happiness.
Even with more achievable dreams:
it isn't enough. We can spend our lives doing work
we enjoy and raising kids we love and yet each week we have ups
and downs. And then when it is time to retire and/or the kids move
out of the house, we are left with this empty feeling. What's next?
Something seems to be missing. How come we can spend our entire
lives doing pretty much what we wanted yet we don't end up filled
with joy and happiness?
WE, as in the entire human race, will spend
much of our lives trying to get happy. And we will get happy many,
many times. And just as many times that happiness will fade away.
We will feel dissatisfied in some way and look for the next thing
to make us happy. We all say things like
My life is really great, BUT I'm still looking for
the right relationship…
Our honeymoon last week in Hawaii was fantastic,
HOWEVER now we've got to earn enough money to buy our own house…
I'm making great money at my job, AND YET I'm thinking
its time for a career change…
My life is good, BUT it seems like something's missing
spiritually…
We are ALL caught up in the
Desire/dissatisfaction cycle
Are you beginning to understand this cycle? One
of the clues to its existence is that there is always an
AND YET…
BUT…
HOWEVER…
IF ONLY…
Whatever good things have and are happening in our
lives, we all usually have some personal version of
Everything's okay, BUT…
Can you begin to see yourself somewhere in this
cycle? If you are honest, if you tell the truth, you can usually
locate your version of "everything's okay, and yet…" And
most of us have more than one "BUT…" When you get together
with your friends, start noticing as they tell you about their lives
this mechanism at play.
Take a few minutes now to consider the dilemma you
are caught up in. Whatever you think is going to make you happy
ultimately won't last. After a while, the more cynical of us give
up spinning round and round on the desire/dissatisfaction cycle.
We get tired of looking for "The Answer" by chasing after
yet another empty desire. So what do we do when we give up trying
to ease our basic sense of discomfort through fulfilling desires?
We anesthetize.
We go for just plain anesthetizing these nebulous
or sharp feelings of dissatisfaction and dis-content. We use drugs
or alcohol, that works really well. Or we develop food addictions.
Enough chocolate ice cream and doughnuts and we don’t feel much
of anything anymore, food is a great anesthetizer. Sex is another
popular addiction - maybe if we sleep around with enough people
(or with the same one enough times in a week) we’ll feel okay, loved
and accepted. Workaholism, shopping addictions - clearly if we don’t
feel right we need to go to the mall - that’s where happiness gets
sold!
In the human dance of life, most people are doing
one of two things:
Looking for the Next Answer to
Get Happy again and avoid dissatisfaction
or
Anesthetizing the dissatisfaction
with food, work, alcohol, drugs, etc.
The human search for happiness grabs us young and
keeps us looking for the answer for most of our lives. We human
beings throughout our days are engaged in perpetual activities to
achieve lasting happiness. Or we give up at some point and engage
mostly in anesthetizing behaviors. We watch talk shows,
read books, go to movies, socialize, hoping to discover somewhere
The Answer to lasting happiness or lasting anesthetization.
So one of the very first lessons in real human wisdom
is about The Big H. The recurring search for Happiness. Just notice
that it is part of the human condition, the drama of life. The things
you have found so far in your life that make you really happy haven’t
lasted. (Don’t worry, they haven’t lasted for anyone else either!)
In fact, the very mechanism within us that seeks happiness
is one of the main reasons we can’t find it!
So to begin with, just notice the mechanism, get
a sense of it in yourself. What makes you really happy? How long
does your happiness, once achieved, generally last? Is your happiness
replaced by nebulous background feelings of dissatisfaction or sharp
pangs of need and desire?
See if you can observe, within
yourself, the desire/dissatisfaction cycle.
If you can, that in itself is a great start, and
will begin to alter your life. (If you aren’t in touch with it yet,
you'll probably notice it clearly over the next week.)
EXERCISE: (fill in
the blanks)
My life is okay, But ______________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
Everything's all right, however ____________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
My life would be good, if only _____________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
I'm doing pretty great, And Yet ____________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________
If Only _________________________________________________________________
______________________, then I'd be happy.
What do you currently think will make you happy?
What did you think would make you happy last month?
What did you think would make you happy five years
ago?
In your current relationship, what changes do you
think would make it better?
In your most recent past relationship, what changes
did you think you needed?
How much money do you think you need to be really
happy?
What, if anything, are you waiting for, what are
you wanting to happen, before you'll be really happy and joyous
and ecstatic?
This is not to suggest that you somehow
shouldn't want things and shouldn't have goals and go for them.
Desire is a natural part of life and working towards getting
our needs met is part of the human dance. There is nothing
wrong with having desires and working to fulfill them. Just
see if you can begin to notice that actual happiness doesn't
"live" in getting your needs met…
So now, let's answer the question: Why is it that
regardless of what we get or accomplish in life, it's never enough?
Why is it that however well we are doing in life there is an AND
YET, BUT, or IF ONLY? Why is it that happiness achieved soon becomes
happiness lost? Because we ain't happy.
You have to keep looking for happiness
because you AIN'T HAPPY.
At the core of our very identities, we aren't happy.
That's why we have to keep looking for happiness, because we don't
got it. And whatever happiness we do get, is on top of something
that isn't happy. So we soon lose our happiness because at core
we just AREN'T HAPPY.
Look at the evidence. Whatever you have gotten so
far hasn't kept you happy, has it?
Look at the evidence. You only go after something
you don't got, right? You don't struggle to get more food after
a turkey dinner. Yet we struggle to get happy time and again because
we ain't happy.
There's most always an AND YET or Yes, BUT because whatever happiness
we get is on top of something at the core of our identities that
isn't happy.
Wisdom begins with acknowledging what's so.
What's so is that we human beings are constantly trying to get happy
because we ain't. All of us experience the desire/dissatisfaction
cycle in our lives on a regular basis. We feel like something's
missing, we look for what could make us happy this time, we struggle
to get that thing, we get happy, then before long we feel like something's
missing again and start the cycle all over again.
This isn't bad or wrong, its part of being human.
And there is something you can do about it. The first step is to
recognize that you, me, your best friend, and everyone else is searching
for the Big H because we ain't H. A beginning to wisdom is to make
this mostly unconscious mechanism in us more conscious. If you have
done that at this point you've done a good job.
Over the next few weeks see if you can notice this
cycle operating in your life. If nothing else, it might help you
relax a bit in the struggles of life. Sure, you're going to have
desires and work to fulfill them. But if they aren't going to bring
you lasting happiness anyway, then maybe you can just relax some
as you go about your struggles. It's all part of the dance of life.
The next lesson in the course on developing Emotional
IQ is about the mechanism in us that constantly searches for Happiness.
The next lesson is about a core piece of our identity we call the
Hole in the Self. Understanding this Hole and beginning to Heal
it is one of the most profound things you can do for yourself in
this lifetime!
If you want to understand the Hole in the Self you
can get our book, Thriving Emotionally. Go the order page
on our website at www.emotionalskills.com
If you don't have the ten bucks to purchase the book e us and we'll
work something out. Or you can explore the Hole in the Self
live from a few different teachings.
One is the Ridhwan School, based in California,
but with groups available in many cities around the globe.
Another group that teaches about the Hole in the Self is Landmark
Education. They have training classes in most major cities
in the US and some globally. Both groups call it by
different names, but they can take you through a personal experience
of the Hole in the Self and the mechanisms in us we've put together
to try to fill the Hole.
The book Thriving Emotionally, or the classes you
can take with either of the above groups are fascinating work and
provide useful insight into how we human beings have put our ego
structures together. With this kind of knowledge it is much
easier to enjoy the dance of consciousness within ourselves and
to stop automatically "pushing against the river" of the
force of our lives.
The Hole in the Self is one of the most profound experiences you
can have in this lifetime. Try it and you'll never look at
life in the same way again!
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