Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates
all die in a plane crash. God, seated on his throne, asks Al: "What
do you believe in?" Al says "I believe in the earth. I
believe its our duty to protect and nourish it." God says "I
like that, come sit at my left. Bill Clinton, what do you believe
in ?" Clinton says "I believe in people, that people should
be empowered to advance their own lives." God says, "I
like that, come sit on my right. Bill Gates, what do you believe
in?" Bill Gates says "I believe you're in my chair."
One Sunday morning, the preacher noticed little Billy was staring
up at the plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered
with names and small American flags were mounted on either side
of it. The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for
some time, so the preacher walked up, stood beside the little boy,
and said quietly, "Good morning, Billy."
"Good morning, Preacher," replied the young man, still
focused on the plaque. "Preacher," what is this?"
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women
who died while in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the plaque. Little Billy's
voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the
8:00 or the 10:45?"
A nun and a priest get stopped by a snowstorm and
have to spend the night together in an abandoned way station until
the storm passes. After settling in to bed, the nun says: "It's
so cold, I don't know if I'll be able to sleep." So the priest
gets up and gets her another blanket and goes back to his bed. After
a few more minutes, the nun again says in a shivering voice: "It's
so cold in here!" Once again the father gets up and puts another
blanket over her then goes back to his bed. After a little while
more, the nun says: "Father, its still soo cold in here!"
At this point the priest replies: "Sister, in order to make
it through the night, we may have to act like husband and wife."
"Oh really, father?" the nun replies with
a note of wonder in her voice.
"Yes, sister. Would you be willing to live
like husband and wife for just this one night so we can make it
until the morning?"
"Yes," she replied shyly.
"Okay then," says the priest. "Get up and get your
own damn blanket!"
MARITAL ACTS II
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's
mini-van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got
caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and
asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this
huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained.
"I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep
in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light"
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared,
and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met
on the ski trip with Bob. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked,
"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm
we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night,
go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being
found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling
her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm
afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
TRUE STORY OF THE BIRD
In the Battle of Agincourt, the French were overwhelmingly
favored to win the battle with the outnumbered British. Before the
battle, the French threatened to cut a certain body part off of
all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again.
The English won the battle in a major upset and waved the body part
in question at the French in defiance. What was this body part?
The body part that the French proposed to cut off
was, of course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible
to draw the renowned English longbow. This famous weapon was made
of the native English yew tree, and so the act of drawing the longbow
was known as "plucking yew." Thus, when the victorious
English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French, they
said "See, we can still pluck yew!
Over the years, since "pluck yew" is rather
difficult to say, like 'pleasant plucker' which is who you had to
go to to get the feathers used on the arrows, the difficult consonant
cluster at the beginning was gradually changed to the easier to
So now you know that the words often used in conjunction with the
one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do
with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers
on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "flipping
the bird." And yew thought yew had heard it all!
HOW TO CHANGE A BAD ATTITUDE
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot
had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out
of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly
saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think
of to set a good example. Nothing worked.
Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird
yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and
ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in
the refrigerator freezer. For a few minutes, John heard the bird
squawk and kick and scream... then suddenly there was quiet. Not
a peep for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to
the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched
arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude
language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything
to correct my poor behavior."
John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was
about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in
his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"