Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates all die in a plane crash. God, seated on his throne, asks Al: "What do you believe in?" Al says "I believe in the earth. I believe its our duty to protect and nourish it." God says "I like that, come sit at my left. Bill Clinton, what do you believe in ?" Clinton says "I believe in people, that people should be empowered to advance their own lives." God says, "I like that, come sit on my right. Bill Gates, what do you believe in?" Bill Gates says "I believe you're in my chair."

RELIGIOUS WARS

One Sunday morning, the preacher noticed little Billy was staring up at the plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.  The seven-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the preacher walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Billy."
"Good morning, Preacher," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque. "Preacher," what is this?"
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died while in the service."
Soberly, they stood together, staring at the plaque. Little Billy's voice was barely audible when he asked, "Which service, the  8:00 or the 10:45?"

MARITAL ACTS

A nun and a priest get stopped by a snowstorm and have to spend the night together in an abandoned way station until the storm passes. After settling in to bed, the nun says: "It's so cold, I don't know if I'll be able to sleep." So the priest gets up and gets her another blanket and goes back to his bed. After a few more minutes, the nun again says in a shivering voice: "It's so cold in here!" Once again the father gets up and puts another blanket over her then goes back to his bed. After a little while more, the nun says: "Father, its still soo cold in here!" At this point the priest replies: "Sister, in order to make it through the night, we may have to act like husband and wife."

"Oh really, father?" the nun replies with a note of wonder in her voice.

"Yes, sister. Would you be willing to live like husband and wife for just this one night so we can make it until the morning?"

"Yes," she replied shyly.

"Okay then," says the priest. "Get up and get your own damn blanket!"

MARITAL ACTS II

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini-van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light"
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.  Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.  It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski trip with Bob. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"
 "Yes, I do."
 "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
 "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
 "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)

TRUE STORY OF THE BIRD

In the Battle of Agincourt, the French were overwhelmingly favored to win the battle with the outnumbered British. Before the battle, the French threatened to cut a certain body part off of all captured English soldiers so that they could never fight again. The English won the battle in a major upset and waved the body part in question at the French in defiance. What was this body part?

The body part that the French proposed to cut off was, of course, the middle finger, without which it is impossible to draw the renowned English longbow. This famous weapon was made of the native English yew tree, and so the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking yew." Thus, when the victorious English waved their middle fingers at the defeated French, they said "See, we can still pluck yew!

Over the years, since "pluck yew" is rather difficult to say, like 'pleasant plucker' which is who you had to go to to get the feathers used on the arrows, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning was gradually changed to the easier to pronounce 'f'.

So now you know that the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "flipping the bird." And yew thought yew had heard it all!

HOW TO CHANGE A BAD ATTITUDE

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.  John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example. Nothing worked.

Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the refrigerator freezer. For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behavior."

John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"